Too Much

Not only did I catch up on all my homework, but my professor let us go early this afternoon, leaving me with an hour and a half of no responsibilities, a half-dead cell phone, and a lap top in need of charging. Coffee break would be my natural choice, but I gave up purchasing beverages for Lent. So here I sit, on the plush leather couch, blogging, and eating my obscenely large chocolate chip cookie purchased at the on campus coffee shop. Despite how caffeine messes up one's metabolism, the cookies I have eaten to replace my afternoon coffee or coke has slowed the weight loss more than the caffeine.

This morning's staff meeting, rather, my behavior during the staff meeting left me wondering all day - who have I become the last few months? Hopefully, in fifteen minutes or less, I can hash out some thoughts that have been floating in my head.

• I find myself very self-aware, yet very self-absorbed.
• My attempt at finding boundaries and balance in my life has become an excuse for laziness.
• I am a walking contradiction and hypocrite.
• I love to be comfortable no matter the cost (material things, food, no-work).
• My formerly effortless, and joyful faith life has become mundane, a chore, boring.

A few thoughts on those thoughts:

• I NEEEEED to go to Confession. I know my sin is weighing me down and eating my joy, clarity, zeal.
• Prayer is not a priority in my life and it should be. I don't know what I'm waiting for.
• Most everything will correct itself if I start with the above two.
• I seriously need to watch my mouth. I have NO filter. Every thought, every feeling, every reaction can be seen on my face and in my speech. And unfortunately lately it's been nothing criticism, judgment, sarcasm, self-promoting, etc. It's hurting people and driving people away from me. I seriously wonder how/why I have any friends left.
• Is blogging and twittering bringing me down? After watching that silly video I posted, I'm starting to wonder - is it really meaningless "all about me" bits of information to everyone and no one at the same time?
• I once heard that you should never start a diet and budget at the same time. Why? Too much sudden self-control can make you go crazy. I am wondering if that's what's happening to me. I can only control / multi-task so much...I am thinking that I've been focusing to much on watching my money, watching my waste line, getting homework done, working 40 hours a week, wedding planning, and getting in my hours at the gym - all new since December - that I have forgotten to keep the Almighty-controller as the ultimate priority in my life.
  

On the up side:

• The purpose of my Lenten sacrifice and almsgiving (not buying any drinks and giving that money to a charity that supports the hungry in a 3rd world country) was to help me remember to sacrifice and be mindful of those less fortunately than me. It has helped, a little. It's helped me appreciate my blessings more. I've been more aware of the homelessness around the world, even here in Atlanta.
• I picked up Deus Caritas Est again - it's simple, yet profound, and it's reminding me of the beauty of God's love for man, man's love for God, and the creative love He's given Man and Wife. Refreshing.

So yeah, pray for me. I shall keep pondering these things and will make it a point to go to Confession before Easter.

I know that was too much personal information - and not fun for a blog, but I need some prayers and some motivation :)