Can't Always Get What you Want

I don't know when it really began or how it began, but a few months ago I knew I needed to make a change in my life.  I was constantly annoyed by things or people.  I had a short fuse for idiotic parents or co-workers.  I didn't speak in love to my family, friends or co-workers.  And I constantly had to be the best. At everything.

I would end my day with a sunken feeling as I played the day's highlight reel in my head.  Did I offend someone? Did I hurt their feelings?  Did I really say that?  to them???

Most nights I would lie in bed apologizing for all my shortcomings.  And then the next day, do it all again.

Ugh.

Like I said, I don't know really what prompted it, perhaps going to Confession for the first time in six months?  But honestly, one day about two months ago I made a few choices:

• I am so blessed to have a job that I enjoy, has benefits, and puts food on the table.  Seriously? I was complaining and angry with that?
• I have the CHOICE in the tone of voice in which I speak to my father, husband, and co-workers.  I could choose sarcasm and annoyance, but does that leave to productivity? No. Only burned bridges
• Only I can improve my relationship with my MIL.  She's too stuck in her ways to make the effort, nor does she really know that she offends me.  She's not THAT mean.  If I want to make a change, I have to initiate (and I did, and Lisa's advice really helped!)
• If I want my dad to respect me, I have to respect him.  It's a two way street
• All the Prozac in the world cannot (and could not) change how I reacted to other people's actions. I thought I was depressed (and maybe I was a little).  I thought I had anger issues (okay, I did). But ultimately, it all came down to my decision as to how I want(ed) to handle things.

I've learned that I am a quick reactor.  As much as I think that I think with my head, I react with my heart first.  I take offense and feel attacked before I understand where the initiator is coming from.  So I've learned to step away.  Some times that means excusing myself.  Some times that means not calling back right away.  Some times that means ignoring a text.  Some times that means emailing two days later.  I'm not becoming uber passive aggressive here, I'm simply saying that I've learned to step back before I react.

Really, I've learned that I can't always get what I want, how I want it, when I want it - but I need to be flexible, fair, level headed and kind.  And that is a choice.  Sometimes a very hard one.